So how many full fledged adults out there still get intimidated , or at least flabbergasted by a kid? Child? Adolescent – whomever that’s younger than you and can still make you feel like the pea at the bottom of the pod. Well, to begin, I’m not an adult (which I can take solace in for this topic) and day by day I have been able to feel more and more undermined upon my influence as a peer tutor or even more ridiculously named as a role model for my grade 9 students. Mind you this should not be such a stressful class as stereotypically known – English. Perhaps it’s just myself, of which I am also aware, my incompetence in demanding attention and dominating seriousness in any part, so I don’t really have the grounds to blame someone who thinks I’m joking because I am holding a (nervous, annoyed, pretentious) smile on my face. Otherwise I just look mean – in less intelligent words , courtesy of my friends who love to share their common assessment for my first impression. Though nor do I possess a strong enough aggravation to outright raise my voice until I am yelling to capture their limited window of 30-seconds-at-most attention span , otherwise it just becomes unwanted emphasizes of smart mouthing ( which I am terrible at retorting against ) and general foolery – usually at my cost.

But what really bothers me in the back of my mind is my sheer timidness (almost) against these students. I also realize there’s such thing as teenage egotism or something more extravaganza sounding, which I try my hardest to remind myself of while I just really live the life in high school, but I could never quite put my finger on it for my weird fear of these students two years my junior. And this is still a work in progress. Then I came upon something quite interesting and perhaps blatantly boring to some of you more advanced folks out there, but no shame in discovering this with me, the tortoise did win in the end you know – (God, I hope I do not sound condescending)  :

Being insecure is like backwards conceited.               

I really just spend my entire 90 minutes in that class stressing about whether or not I radiate the supposedly expected aura of authoritativeness. In all seriousness though, my any kind of given authority flew out the window along with my teacher when she steps out of the room. What makes this entire occurrence even furthermore traumatic is how I actually see some students feel legitimate pity towards me and try to help – whenever that feeling overrides their initial instinct to join in with the rest of their very charming peers. I don’t know whether to be thankful or just feel pathetic in requiring their assistance for accomplishing – or attempting to – establish my place in the in the environment. As Darwin stated, it’s all a struggle for existence , yes, you’re a genius. And I am relegated to the animals who can develop the best adaptations. Cheerios.

Though isn’t it just a natural instinct that occurs in whatever age. High school never really ends right? No matter what age and stage you are at, there’s always those underlying effect of competitiveness even if you’re presumably a passive person. You just come to believe that the whole world is scrutinizing you – which is probably half true, so don’t scrape the entire idea off the table. But as much advice and sometimes painful information you can intake from the world, who really gives. You don’t sincerely care that much to abandon those same three ‘lame’ friends that you’ve known all your life. Nor to leave behind that procrastinating, chocolate binge-ing attitude you carried when you still had the metabolism of a 12 year old.

Just today, a grade 8 ‘barbie’ girl was waiting in line at lunch and I noticed her staring at me, and I just wonder what does she see in someone like myself; whilst the servers really admired her and complimented her beauty, I was more or less – perhaps jealous – but quite a great deal more fearful to say the least.

Then to return to my initial stage, I am back in the English 9 room, a coalescing rising chaos, and in that deep intake of breath, you decide whether or not to state your voice.

And may the odds be forever in your favor.