Think about something ugly. Something you hate. More likely somebody you hate. Or if that’s too strong of a word, somebody you really ‘dislike’, and all the uneventful things that happened between you guys. Now, no, don’t stop thinking about it or immediately veer sideways. Don’t you dare go saint on me and say you’re too good to dwell on that stuff. We all know we have it in us somewhere, that evil little minion that bothers you every time you see their face and I don’t care what kind of yoga-zen mood you’ve got going on for you, that person just pisses you off anyway – Some days you think about it and you think you’ve out grown it. Hah, wrong. Keep thinking. So long as you can think of it and conjure up all the emotions that go along with it, you’re still right in the middle of the hell-hole.
I was walking home today and now that it’s winter here, and getting cold (which if it’s not snowing it’s not worth it) and your typical Raincouver day I started re-evaluating myself. This happens often, and it is mostly thanks to this wonderful society that has televisionized every aspect of our life so normal people even start to question whether or not they have subconsciously perfectly acted out the texts of an imaginary show. No child, your story is not heard far and wide. But I question myself anyway. Even if just to feed my ego a bit and think that somebody else beyond the immediate people in my social circle gives a damn. I wonder, even while I’m upset and emotional whether or not I’m faking the entire thing. I question my own authenticity as I say the words that may evoke pity or sympathy. I analyze my integrity even as I think a thought that makes me sound like a victim. Maybe I’m just analytical. Or maybe I totally hit bulls eye – which I really hope I’m missing most of the time. And during my walk home, what I had thought of was my ex-boyfriend and my ex-best friend. Both of whom, despite my restraint to admit, has greatly impacted and still continuously influence me whether I’d like their opinions in my life or not. And I’m sure I’m just as much as anyone else out there when I tell myself over and over again that I have to let things go, ( things ended ugly between us ) but even while I reiterated the words to myself, made mental images of shattering the bad memories or tell myself to forgive and forget, some days it was just too much and I have to admit it. I can’t stand them.
Personally, I have a very black and white view of the world – which I’ve found out from my previous counselors, in other words a very strong sense of right and wrong, and hardly a faulty line of grey, so if you’re unfortunate enough to land there then it’s all a judgement call; That’s the time for some good sucking up. One of the greatest characteristics I have no tolerance for is pretense and lying – which is both pretty similar. Being in high school there’s going to be ton of those, no surprise, but if you’re going to be obnoxious, if you’re going to ‘casually’ show off your good looks, and most importantly if you’re a guy ( just in general since it’s the majority ) and you tell me you’re not shallow then commence to thinly veil each of your ‘non-shallow’ preferences and ideals you can go *****. I’m not really sorry. If you’re shallow, pretty, pompous whatever, and you really know it – admit it. That’s okay. I have respect for you because at least you admit that quality and you recognize it as it is. So same idea with this bad thought thing. You think about it. You know it bothers you somewhere inside, so admit it. Don’t sprinkle it with faerie dust and act, just as much as the other person, how much you don’t care for them. The fact that you’re acting is already statement enough for yourself to take a step back and think about it, and maybe work towards admitting what really bothers you. And these probably result in something you find juvenile, unworthy – bah if it bothers you, it’s reason enough to be valid. You don’t have to admit these facts aloud. Not even aloud to yourself maybe, because those words are scary to say. They’re ugly too. And we’re all too good for the ugly things, naturally. But just admit that the reason those events haunt you are more likely than not something selfish and personal for yourself. Realize it, acknowledge it – and I bet you were expecting me to say let it go or some cheesy stuff like that but no. Keep thinking about it !
Think , think and think some more. And I mean real business to think. Dig into the entire event and strategically dissect each specific occasion that had bothered you, what he/she had said or done, what had happened, all the good stuff. Let it run through your head, play it on re-run. Hate on them, be a child again, reverse psychology or something fancy if that makes you feel more ‘intellectual’. Just allow yourself to think about it. Stop blocking it off as some taboo subject, it’s just all the more tempting – say no to chocolate and they just instantly start moaning your name. So that’s exactly what I did today. I let the stuff run down, then I realized that I am so angry. Passively so, even after all this time. I’m not angry in fouling everyone around me, or constantly carrying around an excruciating face, but just angry and I knew I had to do something about it.
I pictured myself using those chubby crab-claw knuckles and hard core beating on this punching bag in this wonderfully isolated room.
I know that sounds so typical and obvious, like so many people suggest – yell into your pillow, scream at the ocean etc. But if you were to really immerse into this idea, this environment ( I emphasize idea for those who might not be able to really physically man handle a punching bag like myself ). A secluded room with just yourself. Your sweat, and maybe some angry tears, and just punch away. All the anger, hate, despise, imagine that person or persons and hate them with your entire being. Hurt them until you’re exhausted. And maybe this one time won’t be enough, so return to that room at a later time and feel this built up tension expand within you, a very realistic drawing of short breath and some quick heart beats for the vivid minds out there, maybe even an urge to physically shed a few tears, but focus in your head and pound away
Do you feel slightly better?
Repeat this process. But this isn’t suppose to be an on-going continuum for your whole life. This isn’t what you’re going to live for. This is what you’re going to look at and think about until one day – once again no, don’t let go, this entire idea, this image, these thoughts, that person, the whole event will let go of you. If you consciously let go of something and have to strictly reprimand yourself to be someone bigger than you are and try your hardest to forgive whatever, you’re kidding yourself and wasting your time. It won’t happen, unless you’re really the most magnanimous and altruistic person out there then curtsies and bows. But otherwise, be that tiny nasty person inside, be angry with yourself. And all the goddamn hate worthy %)#)@%* out there. Perhaps then, may you start reminiscing on some good thoughts to stroke your tilted ego – it wasn’t that big of a mistake now.