Now every once in awhile when I’m home alone you’d hear the occasional thump and it sounds like another dead body was laid atop another in irritated fashion. I’m torn between it being the fact that the infrastructure of the house is falling apart from the combined body weight of my cat and myself. Ultimately to which will lead to our demise. Or else underneath the floorboards.. they’re alive.

But since this is someone who watched a ‘dark humor’ Nazi zombie movie with a room full of friends behind a larger friend and non-sexually underneath the arms of another, someone who, frankly found no humor after the first 10 minutes when all the guys moaned that the fat guy got laid in an outdoor bathroom. The minute they had an audience of undead I hardly watched at all.

Maybe it’s our modern day person that can’t stand the silence. I tend to have something on, like music or most likely national geographics or friends, both of which I’ve molested the bulk of and can therefore feel frivolous enough to relegate it to a background drone. Someone told me I was like baby. But screw it if I were to feel peace sitting in a car alone at night for the sensation of ‘rocking’. Much less than occasional suspicious noises, the shadows are in reach of you. And being half blind, I spy with my little Asians eyes, all the dark monsters under my bed slithering all over the darkest part beneath the car seats. Hence I’d shrivel myself up against the door side. And god forbid if someone dares open the doors without warning.

So whenever I entertain a guest I’d ask them to tread nicely. They’re alive I say.

Beyond the fact that I live above what I’d imagine to be the creepy fetish dungeon from Steven Spielberg’s latest movie, I live in the middle of buttfuck  nowhere. Honestly, my phone connection actually dies sometimes, and that does not fly in the modern world. You’d hear this weird transformers crackle and swear that an alien invasion had just begun through your careless usage of telephone connection, so commence WW III. Sometimes I actually stand and ponder for a moment trying to decipher this new language as if I were to be the mad genius to save the world – Going through turmoils of snooty scientists who will be disbelieving and mental facilities for you know, just the routine update. That is exactly when I would make my cat reciprocate my love, because hell if I’m going to die without some sweet nothing last words and star in the memoirs of lame dramas; at least let it be in the arms of warmth and shedding-litterboxsmelling-peepeeleaking-snobby-drooling cat fur. Plus he’s now 1. So his 15 pounds is justified being as he is 15 years old in cat years, I am not bringing down a minor and our affair is legitimate.

So here I am, home alone, with a cat who balks at the sight of me running after him. I have my knight in shining armor with no sources to reach civilization.

Wuss you say? I say I can take on the texas chainsaw massacre man. Freakshow.

With new found confidence I moved about today with ease. Then my computer dies, the dreaded silence falls, and up drifts the voices.

Mu-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha…


And even though it was mid afternoon, maybe slightly hazed by the hideous fog weather we’ve been having, my ass started sweating. One of these days, I’ll become too much of a chicken to collect rent. But till then..

you can eat it bastards.
you can eat it bastards.