Much as there is debate about the superior sex, or in my family, the innate response that a 2 seconds contribution to your family name is deemed a free ticket for your life time, there has been some up and downs before I blew the roof off the deal.

healthy, handsome lad. Just how do you do it.
Healthy, handsome lad. Just how do you do it.

It isn’t that I’ve never been to a sex ed class, or fell asleep when the teacher played the video of how a male’s dongaloos responds. I think all the girls were wildly awake, one way or another. I was all for the education and science of it of course. The Duck never perverses.  But somehow I had missed it in grade 6-7 when they first broached the human anatomy, and again in grade 8 when they even had the audacity to play ‘Woody’ – the sport of racing to rip into a condom package and slipping the sucker onto a stiff pecker [a rather poor imitation in wood] and then swiftly removing it. They couldn’t even bother to buy flavor ones at the time so that the boys didn’t stick their hands in my face to tell me how nasty the entire ordeal was. Might I also add, the male teacher there won hands down. No questions asked.That was also when I finally understood why the boys laughed when I chimed in to call our senior gym teacher (Mr.Woodward) Mr.Woody as his nickname. No wonder he was so, uhm, fond of me. I guess that A was totally well deserved.

After all of that excitement, I think it’s quite reasonable for me to miss a few nooks and crannies of the male’s body. Aside from your nether regions, I don’t think the girls were particularly fond of learning what goes on elsewhere. You guys are practically female everywhere else. A flat chested one at that – no competition.

So until whatever untold age, I remained to think guys had no bladders. Or kidneys.

Yeah. Somehow it worked in my brain that your gonads would multi-task as your pee regulator. It’s so close. It’s only nature’s way to make things efficient for us. After your stomach and intestines it was just plain empty space. I reasoned that’s why you were all so obsessed with getting the abs. Protection of the hollow area. I get it.

Especially during those periods, there rose another question that I had always wanted to ask guys. Why the obsession with the mustache? Now this one has no excuse to be in protection of any empty spaces. Other than the few who actually look good and could actually grow one, empty looks for all the other futile attempts. You’d had been better off to just glue your Aunt Merill’s lady-stache on instead. Take away her pain and elevate your man ego. Two birds with one stone.

Evidently, you're not calm enough
Evidently, you’re not calm enough

I also wondered, since this was in grade 8, it must have slipped through more than a few times a guy’s mind of lewd romantic thoughts of getting that perfect first kiss. Did we ask to kiss a caterpillar? Goodness we just came out of elementary! You guys just lost your universal status as having the bad case of cooties, much less start sprouting obtrusive evidence of why the female population should keep hating. Give it a couple more years before you introduce to us why mother nature decided to play a mean joke and made us heterosexual. Rainbows and unicorns are just so much more happier. But this was back when we were 13.

A little later, another phenomena occurred that just buggered me. Shoe sizes.

It’s like girls’ with their bust sizes, except we’d have the decency to at least not brag about it so openly. Just ever so casually display it in a low drop top by accident. That’s called modern day modesty, excuse us please.

Maybe my view on this entire thing is bais, as I do have a friend who has unfortunately small feet for a burly Native playing football. My heart goes out to those who also has small hands or short fingers. I will support you so long as you don’t become desperate enough to  harlem shake at us with your pants off.

With these over with, something about males still bother me to this day on a certain level. Given that I am mentally blind. Kinda. Glasses and all. I guess I just don’t bother to notice. Unless you all frequent the Gap, Sears, Bay, Ross, Walmart, Target or any other big department store, I just don’t know where else you guys would get some nice every day clothes that isn’t for a grand. Or a suit for two.

I feel bad. If there is any more distinct corners sections catered for you guys, because you’re just that special, I’ll let you know. And sorry for the high standards of clothing, but European trench coats are just so sophisticated. And easily doubled to be a raunchy flash. Strap on a pair of leather heels and you’d be making bank round the next corner. Tip.

Oh goodness hell, just look at the pain
Oh goodness hell, just look at the pain

For a short excerpt, I’d also like to comment on why you guys view eye lash curlers to be a medieval torture device, but find no harm in Rihanna’s S&M video. Really? A fat guy getting licked turns you on?

Lastly, this is arguably one of the most controversial topics; a world conflict revolving between girls who are just out to please guys, girls who actually know what the hell they’re doing, and girls who know who the hell they are to stop themselves.

Video games.

Now I’m not judging. Video games are fun. I love watching my little cousin kick and scream in God of War. Whatever-his-name-is is a hot piece of pale angry candy. That said, this is also someone who got lost following her friend – female – while playing Halo because, well just who the hell invented some world view and then your first-person view. Mind tripping. We’ve only got two eyes and two hands. Geez. Thanks to your smart invention, I also shot my friend mutliple times because I couldn’t didn’t want to get down from the hill or distinguish between the aliens and allies. I just loaded and shot. Yippikaye motherfucker.

That said, the next time your girlfriend asks you, So honey, what’s different today and gives you that angelic smile, why is it so hard for you guys to notice when you can operate between 5 gazillion machine guns and do some fancy quick-scoping in C.O.D. How can this be the end for you eye-darting geniuses.

Maybe the correct answer was that she got supplemented caramel high lights. And low lights. And tip conditioning. And the moon exploded.

The world is your oyster they say.

So what’s something that you guys, or gals, have never gotten about females? Allow the quarrelsome cackles to begin.