geishaWho’s prettier? Granted I don’t think geisha is even a legitimate doll for children to play barbiewith, but neither do I think the modern barbie is either anyway. It’s like a miniature version of Scarlett Johansson.

So taking afterthought of the Karate Kid with me, I’m here to explain what’s really real in Asia. Or, taken from someone who hasn’t been there in 6 years, what’s real for at least one Asian girl. In the west.

One of my biggest pet peeves about stereotypes against my race is that the girls are rather useless. If you’ve seen the Karate Kid, it’s like we’re all akin to that little 12 year old who can never run out of the flimsy clutches of scrawny boys. I won’t say anything for myself, not after having not done any real exercise for x amount of years. But I will tell you that my mother is about 5’2, I don’t know how she did it, but she managed my father, who was almost 6 feet with ease. I think her boastful voice has something to do with it. I guess that rules us out for being soft spoken.

So why am I speaking out about this and bragging about how unwomanly we my family is? 

Where I am, some poorly secluded Asianized area – not Chinatown – I cannot tell you the amount of girls that I see complaining about not looking like a washboard who hasn’t seen the sun in some gazillion years. Or the fact that their waist line isn’t as delicate as their ankle. And don’t be surprised if our thighs aren’t smaller than your arms either. We don’t actually eat like birds. I really thought that stuff should stay in the 60’s.

Seeing all these people who are so fascinated with Asia in general, I want to clarify some of the truth in the Karate Kid;

1. No, we don’t all know karate. And I sound like a hypocrite because my sister used to learn it..but point is, the only splits I’ve ever done were for ballet when I was 6-7.

2. Did I ever get kicked in the face by some karate bawl? As a matter of fact, I actually have. By my sister. While we were bickering in a car trip back in days where there was no room for a 9 year old to run to.

3. Sorry, but I haven’t tied my hair in pig tails ever since grade 4 – I’m not being mean, I just saw a fully grown Asian woman walk around with gigantic strawberry/bow hair ties downtown yesterday.

4. My Chinese name isn’t as cute nor fun as you guys might think. Everybody gives up right after the first letter, stopping at the one word in my name that I know means something nice – poetry. Thanks guys.

5. Again, hypocritical; I tan like a Mexican..while my sister burns like a potato. Nope, no porcelain dolls for you tonight.

Capish?

I think the West has done a pretty good job in advertising that no Caucasian woman is really going to look like Barbie, so it mighty pisses me off that all the girls I look like idolizes (excuse me) ridiculously overdone k-pop artists who, like many here trying to imitate Barbie, go under the knife for their own deity. They’re just more subtle about it. What worries them is the size of their eye lids, not the height of their rack. As for emulating the paleness of a geisha, hint* that’s bird poop they put there. [Edit: My apologies if you’re offended, I was referring to an article I read awhile ago, disclosing what they used in the old times] Real ancient magic!    

Oh and one more thing, I’m never going to be able to talk like a true Asian I suppose. My voice box simply doesn’t go that high, unless I’m really squabbling. Seriously, nobody should be juxtaposed with Barbie or Geishas. So cheers to my family for keeping me grounded – My sister and I took Grams and Mumsy out to the Aquarium yesterday, for their first time! Oh I know, they really need to have more of a life.

That's me snuggling it up there with Grams. P.s - sorry Rohan, I just had to steal that pic.
That’s me snuggling it up there with Grams. P.s – sorry Rohan, I just had to steal that pic.

And eff it, I just realized my sister is doing the almighty peace sign.

If you had decided to skip all the tension, here’s some rewarding pictures I took – once again, inserting photos everywhere.

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If I hadn't known better, I'd thought this was my summer fan.
If I hadn’t known better, I’d thought this was my summer fan.
Course I couldn't let go of an animal like looks like a Pokemon!
Course I couldn’t let go of an animal that looks like a Pokemon!

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If Eric ever reads this, I just want to ask - does nobody else sees Le Clown here?
If Eric ever reads this, I just want to ask – does nobody else sees Le Clown here?
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Oh you fawning fools, you must stop !

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And last but not least. Salutations for my Grandmama, what a G indeed. I’ve watched a 4D movie there 5 times, had my legs up and my back arched throughout the show. *Never let your guard down. I still screamed when the chair poked me in the back.