I learned quick as a child. I learned that crying almost always became the fault of my older sister – until she moved to live with our aunt in another country, but let’s not speculate too deeply into that. After she left, I needed another trick up my sleeve. I learned to lie.

Now, this is some tricky business here. Like crying, you can never over do this stuff, cause otherwise your mother might just close the kitchen door on you and let you wail it out. For lying, you have to be ambitious. You’ve got to lie big. And this is legitimate advice from one of the greatest liars in history – Madame Hitler, what was your epiphanic quote? Ahem.

” Lie Big.”

Große Lüge – Shit’s real guys, I kid you not. Well it’s Big Lie. Potato, potahtoe. Point being, if someone like him could get away with selling his two volume autobiography coining this term for propaganda in however many dozen countries, you too, can sell a fat lie to your neighbor, your mom, your dog. The ultimate champion.

You might think this makes no sense. Obviously a perfectly mediocrely intelligent homo homo sapien such as yourself can catch on to the whiff of a big lie, what gives? Well, I don’t know what to say to you, other than to suggest you take another common sense IQ test. Let me paraphrase Mme. H above again.

“You thick skinned sonovabitch, I refuse to believe you could lie so big so impudently.”

Yes…so when your kinder garden school mates said that the quiet little apple sauce got her leg broken amputated, she was actually just emulating Tom Sawyer and pulling a fast one on Aunt Potty, or Punny or whichever. And when she got her punishment the following weekend, she openly rejected the beauty of  Barbie, and that is how all my our stuff ended down there. Mom. 

Great story huh?

Then when you hit elementary, you’ve got to step it up a notch. Ladies, your breast sizes magically upgraded themselves to size double D’s, while gentlemen, your shoe sizes just somehow switched with your older brothers.

Yes, I know, the lump of bosom goodness is indeed a little small for those infamous double D’s no? I put on the bra strap tight to tuck them in neat. It’s like those flattening work out bras that I’m sure were not made yet when I was young, so is in fact imported from the future in a limited quantity. 

My manhood? Ain’t it a little deflated in that area. Or you can never tell from those saggy jeans and over sized mama shirt. Yes, that’s why I happen to run slower than everyone else, the weight is entirely tremendous. And also why I would be best candidate as your first boyfriend. Please kiss me, then let me grope your womanness. 

Fair trade? Since grade 7 baby.

Then high school hits. Everybody’s explored porn. Oh we know those things are mashed A’s. The girls laugh that they miss when they hit you on the crotch. It didn’t even hurt ! Children, we must continue on this legacy.

Sniffles, haven’t you heard? She’s moving to England ever since grade 8 for her last year of high school. It just breaks my heart, let’s have a heart warming goodbye party this weekend. And the weekend after that, and after that – just like last weekend.

Damn, did you hear him? Pokemons are in fact real? He’s the master.

Oh I know my little apprentices, next week we fly to Never-never-land to never grow old. In this life time all you need is a Poky ball and some skills. See, now my looks don’t really matter.

When it all boils down to the bases of our brain and we think, “hey wait a minute, how did they pan out?” A good liar would set right down to it and lie some more.

I know I said I was in the hospital donating a kidney cause I’m just that kind and benevolent, but I’m also young and virtuous so I healed (in record time too!) and decided to come up to the school dance. No, of course it had nothing to do with that guy you like – all your’s.

Don’t forget though, that you’re going to forget ! A good liar must always improvise. It’s like a good comedian. But even harder and more complex. And when you get to real life? Have fun, good luck, especially in the long happy relationships cause the Duck for one has not gotten there yet. Spare me only the all-promising parent lie I learned to recognize also as a kid – “Oh, don’t worry, we’ll come back later.”

Lies.