An excerpt from my inner dialogue;
“I can’t and don’t want to talk to you right now because all my thoughts are negative and I know you…I’m trying to find the words to say this respectfully…yet the fact is you did say you couldn’t handle it in the face of the beast. I trusted you to but you couldn’t. I can’t blame you, I am only angry at myself. This weekly fallout is further proof of your fear that you don’t make me happy – I’m aware – that statement alone has created a fallacy out of my happiness. Every excitable emotion has become attributed to trying to convince you that I am happy. The thin conviction confuses me too. I doubt myself. If I’m not 110% (in joyfulness or sex appeal) I deface my very own words that this is the way I approach relationships and I feel so damn guilty trying to talk to you. I know you, no blame, but your little to no response only spells out in capital ‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS SARAH ‘. Benign as your incapability to grasp this beast of mine, your withdrawn demeanor while I wrestle it makes me hate myself so much.
You said , ” but you got yourself out of them didn’t you?” (In reference to my negative thoughts). This was your immediate response.
He didn’t mean it that way
I’m so stupid
I know. I’ll fix it.
You said, “I don’t like the lingo you use to call this a problem.”
I’ll fix it. (It is a problem. You can’t handle it.)
So godamn stupid.
Fuck, just kill yourself Sarah
You’re doing it again!
And I can pour my soul out and explain to you what it feels like but you will never feel the same for me. Never like that Dutch girl. Fuck her. You say don’t remind you because you regret it so much – you regret the very act of falling and this is where I am. I feel so damn guilty, as if I have begged and dragged you to stay (out of pity). This fallacy is built on my thin to none faith in myself and my thoughts plummet when I think of you in times like this. I want you to help me but you can’t. Nothing I do or say or any amount of emotional/mental effort I invest will return in the same impact for you. You may walk away onto another lack – Lustre relationship in my eyes. You’ll never feel the intensity. The worst part is you would not fight for me to stay – you wouldn’t fight for us – because godamn it…I’m just not worth it to you. It’s like embracing a losing battle all the while confusing it with a sort of young love. And I know I don’t deserve to think of myself this way. I know. The thing is, I feel like a spinning coin defying the laws of falling, no landing – driven to insanity by the force of inertia that keeps the coin spinning. I can’t see it. The me that deserves the love and affection I try to apply. I’m trying to say I CAN’T SEE IT !”
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(Sometimes) I wish I could be one of those bloggers that contributed, though blessedly redundant, such connective universal ideas of peace for oneself and happiness in simplicity that every reader can be touched from. I look back at this blog from when I was 16 years old, and with a solemnity I note with sadness just how mean I am to myself . “Why does this girl say that about herself?” I ask.
Guys, it’s really, really fucking hard to break a bad habit.