Fall back.jpg
Age old adage: Am I jumping up or falling down? 

Obsession is defined by the consistent fixation of a thought or person that preoccupies your mind. Addiction is compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences. Lastly, insanity is the all too famous artist (loosely coined) who forever tackles at the same problem over and over again the same way, expecting different results.

These are all the primitive emotions that I have felt most intensely when I ask myself the specific question : ” Why do you have such odd abandonment/inferiority complex with men?”.

Quite a few of my friends are more or less fascinated by this odd chemical engine that fuels my emotions when I get, so to speak, high off a new relationship, and then compulsively down spiral into all the above. Obsessed, addicted, and insane.

Certainly, it is very commonly observed among young women when it comes to romance and their self esteem, but my friends know me; straight-laced, almost OCD clean and contemplative cat lady. I know my strengths and weaknesses and to my best of abilities, I embrace them – all the while churning them almost obsessively in my head (it’s a close second thought to the subject at hand). Sign across my forehead states: ‘Caution: Construction on site – work in progress

I suspect that would be a suitable sign for quite the next while.

At first I had trouble thinking of this post in my head. Surely, I must have something better going on in my life than to constantly bring myself back to hacking at the love genie. Surely, the blogophere is going to turn up their noses and sniffle at my badgering attempts to decipher my thoughts aloud when I’m aware I’m a young millenial with loads of years to experience all the things I don’t understand today. Except, with the tons of writers and artists that blog here, aren’t we all somewhat, obsessed, addicted and sort of insane about our own subjects/projects? So this happens to be mine.

I had mentioned previously that I feel like a child that is in such a hurry, they pick up a book and immediately read the last page.

Let me rephrase that – last night I came upon cat claw caps – this resounds nicely with my cat lady title. Beautiful little things. They even have glittery ones! Besides the point. At that moment, I thought to myself, I could use a mental cap right about now. Not for my brimming brilliance, I assure you, but to just put a cap on that insatiable, obsessive inclination I’ve had in my mind in which I am surely addicted to the projected future in my head in which I know I will become a confident and happy woman, yet current insanity propels me to look, speak, react to circumstances (i.e relationships) the same way while expecting a different result.

So is this one of those instances in life where you just keep drilling to reach the light at the end of the tunnel? With the pure belief that the compassionate, loyal, wholesome relationship that you dream about will come to be one day. That such a thing is in fact true contrary to the gilded way our society has made a swiping joke out of our dating lives?

That’s sort of rhetorical. At least for me. I know I will always act on romance. Be it slightly skewed by all these demanding emotions/mental activity in my mind. My single person sobriety today has given me so much more confidence than I’ve had in this last year. I feel the same way artists, writers, gurus, all vocations in between that publish here; they write consistently, think, be it obsessively over the things they are passionate about because for all the folks that could relate, we needed that. We needed someone to keep talking to us through the screen and remind us – oh, I’ve my lost words. What did I say :

‘Caution: Construction on site – work in progress