These weren’t the original words I wanted to say.
I watched a grown man failing the resistance to validate himself in the window reflection on the train ride home. Quick tug to his hair, shake of a head. Repeat. Touch to the bridge of the nose, quick sniff of the index. Repeat. Almost like he was superstitious. A prayer that his real life prominence lived up to the one in his mind.
This repetition realized my impatience for the world’s loose vanity. But I’ll get to that.
Sometimes life can feel rather unmitigated and similar to an ass.
That’s what I wanted to say.
Life comes at you in so many different ways, we owe ourselves as authors here online. I feel like I’m googling the same words over again as I come across this trend to ensure my sanity;
Allegory, cipher, maxim, parable, adage…
When they say farm to table, I think of this precise trail of words – small digestive pieces of information that the modern viewer is capable of. And yet when I come across bloggers that showcase their life in these precise bubbles; when the shots are too candid, the select words too deliberate. When I can feel the loose coolness behind the scenes, like a grown man who can hardly stand himself on the train, I immediately opt out.
I don’t want you to sell me your life.
I want the odd blogger with their due aplomb, their black comedic humor, their observations.
Recalling that man in my mind, I wonder what it must feel like to be so sensitive to one’s appearance. Was his lack of self truant from our seemingly collective desire to know-all/be-all? I had it in my right mind to smack his hat, afloat on its brim as not ruin his hairstyle, right down and tell him to cut it out. That I can’t fathom how simultaneously as a female, I would have the fear of men walking in the dark despite myself, yet have the strength to not fidget seeing my own reflection.
People still often mistake me for older. I don’t remember when the internet was connected to your phone lines. I never had a walkman. I hardly remember an Ipod. So what panel decides that my person appears to supersede my otherwise inadequacy in world trivia?
I switched off the alternative rock and just let myself be swayed by the acoustic sounds of mellow indie/pop. It felt less like a front putting up a fight against the world. Suppose this is what one means to settle into your skin. Likely I overestimated these thoughts as one does walking alone at midnight. So instead I arrived home and put my effort into furthermore contemplating the ‘extra bit’ that dangles while my cats trot away from me.
Take yourself a little less seriously.